


and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life

by thekaidonovskys



Series: Becoming Three [6]
Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Suicide Attempt, Polyamory, Rape Recovery, Scars, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-07-28
Packaged: 2018-02-10 18:17:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2035152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thekaidonovskys/pseuds/thekaidonovskys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s not too much - it won’t ever be. I just wish it didn’t have to happen at all, for his sake. For his sanity.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted by Tumblr user thekaidonovskys

It begins at 5am with a screaming-crying-and-panic-attack nightmare. 

It’s violent and awful and leaves Tendo on the floor, curled up in a ball and trembling long after the panic has abated. Hermann’s sitting next to him, calm and collected as usual, and Newt’s just gone out to make him a cup of tea when he hears hurried footsteps going into the bathroom, then the agonised noise of somebody vomiting.

Hermann joins him in the kitchen a moment later, looking worried. “It’s been over a year since the last time he was upset to the point of being physically ill,” he says, drawing close to Newt who slips an arm around him. “I fear it’s going to be a very bad day for him.”

“Did he tell you what it was about?”

“That’s what he was attempting to do before it got the better of him.” Hermann holds on to Newt for a moment longer, clearly drawing comfort, before going to the sink and filling a glass of water. “How about you go see to him? You can help if he’s too exhausted to walk.”

Newt nods, takes the glass from Hermann and leaves him to make coffee. He goes tentatively into the bathroom where he finds Tendo, pale and shaking, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Newt hands him the glass but keeps his distance, watching as Tendo rinses his mouth out before scrubbing his hands across his face. “Okay?” Newt asks.

“As I’ll be.” Newt nods and stands, holding out a hand to Tendo who flinches away from it a little. “Please don’t,” he says quietly. 

“Sorry,” Newt says quickly, backing off again and giving him plenty of space. It’s been a long time since Tendo’s actively rejected being touched this long after a panic attack, and it’s a bad sign. 

Tendo sighs, but what it means Newt isn’t sure. Silently and slowly he gets to his feet, a little wobbly but at least not at risk of falling over. Newt tries to hover without it being obvious, following Tendo out to the living room where he sits down on the couch, arms curled around himself. He doesn’t speak, doesn’t look at Newt, just stares at the wall.

Now definitely worried, Newt goes back through to Hermann. “Not good,” he whispers in response to Hermann’s look. “Won’t talk much, won’t let me touch him.”

Hermann nods, handing Newt a mug of coffee and picking up Tendo’s tea to take to him. “It’s to be expected - that was definitely one of the more violent ones we’ve seen in a long time. Give him time and space and hopefully he’ll be ready to talk soon.”

So they go back and sit with him, keeping their distance but still being present. Tendo drinks the tea, then wraps his arms around himself again and looks at the ground. They stay and wait, until Tendo looks up and nods pointedly at the clock. “You two go to work. I’ll see you later.”

Hermann and Newt exchange a glance, and Newt lets Hermann take it. “Perhaps we should stay here with you,” he begins gently. “One of us, at least, if not both.”

“Why? Don’t trust me on my own?”

Newt flinches a little at the bitter tone, but Tendo doesn’t see it. “We just don’t want you to be alone,” Newt says quietly.

“I want to be. Go.”

There’s nothing they can do in response to that. Silently they go through to the bedroom and get dressed and ready for the day. Tendo hasn’t moved when they come back out, arms still around himself and refusing to look at them. “You can call us if you need anything,” Newt reminds him. 

“I won’t.”

Hermann takes his hand and leads him to the door. “Look after yourself,” he says to Tendo. “We love you.”

Tendo doesn’t reply and that’s the thing that hurts the most. 

They make it halfway down the road to when Newt has to stop; the tears are blinding his vision, and he takes off his glasses to swipe at his eyes. “I know,” Hermann says softly. “But there’s nothing we can do. He’s hurting, and he needs to deal with that in the way he thinks is best.”

“But this isn’t going to help him.”

“And we know that,” Hermann agrees. “He needs to remember.”

Newt sniffs. “But what if he…” He can’t finish the sentence. 

“He won’t,” Hermann says firmly. “That’s still our Tendo back there, love, no matter how upset he is. He has sworn to us both that he will never attempt to take his life again, that he will tell us the instant it feels like he might want to, and I believe he will keep that promise. We have to trust him.”

“I just can’t handle seeing him so upset.”

Hermann drops his cane to hug him, hard, and Newt knows he’s taking just as much comfort as he’s giving. “Nor can I,” Hermann says. “But we knew what we were signing up for when we fell in love with him, didn’t we?”

Newt nods. “It’s not too much - it won’t ever be. I just wish it didn’t have to happen at all, for his sake. For his sanity.”

“So do I. But we need to carry on, and he’ll let us back in when he’s ready. Okay?” Newt nods, and Hermann kisses him gently before letting him go. “Let’s get to work.”

***

It takes less than an hour of half-hearted work, six miscalculations from Hermann and two dropped beakers from Newt before they can’t do it anymore. 

A quick message to Carlos and they’re out of the lab, on their way home. “If he needs space, we can give it to him,” Hermann says as the house comes into view, leaning into Newt’s arm a little so he can walk faster. “But we have to be there.”

“I know. If he yells, he yells, but I think he’ll thank us later.”

When they reenter the house, Tendo’s still sitting where they left him, only this time with his arms stretched out along his knees. He’s staring down at them and doesn’t look up, but something in his posture softens a little, almost in relief. “Wasn’t sure you’d come back,” he says quietly. 

“It was a struggle to stay away this long,” Newt says. “You wanted us back?”

“Thought I might’ve driven you both away for good this time - wouldn’t blame you after all the shit I said. You should’ve stayed away.”

And Newt feels his heart sink because  _this_ is the worst Tendo - the Tendo who believes that he’s worthless and useless and unwanted. They can handle a bad mood or a bad day, but this is plain  _bad._ It’s also rare, thank god - he and Hermann have done a pretty good job of showing Tendo just how wanted he is - but today seems to be the day and Newt isn’t quite sure what to do to make it better.

“You’re not getting rid of us that easily,” Hermann says, his tone light, and sits down next to Tendo. Newt follows his lead and takes the other side. “We’re in for the long run, remember?”

“You shouldn’t be. You should get out while you can.”

“Well, we can’t, you see,” Newt says. “For purely selfish reasons, of course; we’d be miserable without you, so we’re not prepared to let you go.”

Tendo sighs. “Don’t know how you’re not miserable  _with_ me,” he says, but at least his voice has changed from the flat monotone, though the emotion in it is unreadable. “I’m not exactly the best person to be around right now.”

“We always want to be around you.”

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Being nice. I don’t deserve it.”

And this is hospital talk, and it frightens Newt badly. Even Hermann looks a little shaken by the deja vu of the situation, but he quickly collects himself. “I’m afraid we disagree,” he says gently. “You might have to explain why you don’t deserve it.”

Tendo closes his eyes. “You’re both so…  _okay_ ,” he says. “You’re - and I’m not. I can’t be. You need to stop tying yourselves down to me and go back to just each other because I’m not worth the time or effort or love. So… go.”

Newt doesn’t know what to do next, so he goes with his instincts and prays it’s right. “Okay,” he says, then nods when Tendo’s eyes snap open and he turns to stare at him. “I’m sorry,” Newt says instantly. “I’m absolutely not leaving, I just needed to… you thought I was, though, and you panicked. You don’t want us to go, do you?”

“Did I ever say I wanted it? It’s what you need.”

“How about what  _you_ need?” Hermann asks. 

“Doesn’t matter.”

“It matters a great deal. Because what Newton and I need right now is to be here with you, to take care of you and love you. Us walking away would deprive us of that need. Meanwhile, your need is for us to not leave. So doesn’t it make sense for us to stay?”

“Well  _yeah_ , if you use your logic on it,” Tendo complains, and Newt’s just about to smile when; “But really the logical thing to do would be to stop caring and stop loving me.”

“That’s the most illogical thing I’ve heard,” Hermann counters. “Not only is it impossible, it would damage all three of us. We love you, Tendo Choi, and we aren’t going anywhere, no matter how much your nightmares try to push us away.”

Tendo sighs at the mention of the nightmare, but nods. “Suppose you want to hear about that, then?”

“Only if you want to share it,” Newt says, then realizes Tendo’s trembling. “Which you’re not ready for yet,” he adds gently. “It’s okay, take your time.”

“Seriously,  _why_ do you put up with me?” 

“Putting up with you would imply that you are a struggle to be with,” Hermann says. “Which you are far from.”

“ _This_ isn’t a struggle?”

“This is a battle - your battle. You’re fighting yourself, and we’re just here to love you while you keep winning.”

“You call this winning?”

“We call  _you_ winning. Look at where you are… and look at where you are  _not_.”

Tendo goes quiet then, and Newt can see him gearing himself up. “My nightmare,” he begins, then falters. Neither one pushes him, and after a moment he swallows and nods to himself. “It was obviously about Sydney,” he continues, his voice rapid as if pushing himself through it. “Everything had happened just like it did and I woke up in the hospital and you two were there but… but you were both disgusted with me. You’d flown over because you had to, because Newt’s name was still on my file, and you made your irritation and disapproval very clear and then told me that I’d better get it right next time because I… because I deserved to be raped and I deserved to die.”

Newt’s too upset to cry. He just sits, stunned, and looks at Hermann who looks equally as horrified. 

Because what the hell do you do about  _that_?

Tendo sighs. “I know,” he says after a few seconds. “Obviously not true. I’m here, you brought me back and took me in and loved me and gave me far more than I ever dreamt possible. But I can’t shake the feeling that I did deserve it. That I should have died that day.” Hermann looks like he’s about to speak, then makes a small choked noise and stops, and Tendo winces. “Hermann Gottlieb,” he says, his voice shaky, “if you cry I am going to  _break,_ I’m trying so fucking hard to keep it together so don’t you dare.”

Hermann nods, but doesn’t speak. Newt doesn’t blame him - he doesn’t trust his own words either.

“I’m not suicidal,” Tendo continues. “I’m not… I don’t want to. Not actively. I’m alive now so I’m going to stay alive, none the least because I promised I would. I just wonder if I shouldn’t have survived at all. I mean, look at this; Hermann’s nearly crying, Newt  _is_ crying -“ Newt, startled, puts a hand to his cheek; he never even noticed, “- and it’s my fault. If I weren’t here you two would be happy right now.”

“Are you kidding?” Newt asks quietly, because there’s no way he can leave that. “If you were… Tendo, if you had  _died_ , I wouldn’t have coped. You think I’m upset now? Take this, multiply it by a  _thousand_ , and that’s still nowhere near how I’d be feeling if you weren’t here.”

Tendo shakes his head. “Look, I know you mean that  _now_ , but back then I wasn’t - you didn’t love me.”

“Like  _hell_ I didn’t. Maybe it wasn’t romantic, but you were still my best friend. When I got that phone call… I just shut down. The thought of you being gone -“

He can’t finish. Hermann takes over. “Do we not still grieve those who fell in the war?” he asks. “I still miss Aleksis and Sasha every day. Why then would your death have been any less significant? If you had died, Tendo, we would not be  _happy_.”

“But I wouldn’t be hurting you now.”

“You aren’t hurting us.  _You’re_ hurting, and we are sharing your pain because we love you. It’s a small price to pay to have  _you_.”

“Why do you want me?” Tendo asks, and his voice is very small. “I’m a fuckup. I still can’t get over all the shit that happened, I still have days like this when I know I’m being ridiculous and I shouldn’t push you two away but I do anyway, I still… why? Tell me why.”

“Because we love you,” Newt and Hermann say in unplanned unison, then pause to exchange a smile. 

Tendo half-smiles as well which is a pretty damn good sign, but then it falls again. “Is that really enough, though? I appreciate the fuck out of your love and of course I return it, but it isn’t going to fix me, is it?”

“Well of course it isn’t,” Hermann says as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “Is your love going to fix my leg?”

Tendo blinks. “No? But that’s not -“

“It’s a hurt I carry with me, something I cannot rid myself of or have any control over whether it flares up or not. Some days it is almost like new, others it confines me to bed. Do you love me any less on those days?”

“Of course not, but -“

“You were hurt,” Hermann says gently. “You have no control over the fact that you were hurt - you were the victim, you cannot change that, and you cannot change the fact that they left scars on your heart. And we cannot love you any less for them.”

“We’re not trying to fix you, Tendo,” Newt says. “We never were. We’re just loving you exactly as you are, loving you through the good days and the bad. And of course we hope for the good days because it means you’re happy, but nothing changes on the days like this. You’re still ours.”

Tendo’s trembling a little, but this time not out of fear. He looks like he’s about to cry and Newt’s pretty glad about that because he knows this time it’s going to help, it’s going to take them that one step further towards Tendo feeling okay again. “But the scars aren’t just on my heart,” he murmurs, and looks down at his arms again. 

A quick look at Hermann makes their next move clear - they put their hands on each of Tendo’s arms, side by side, effectively covering the scars completely. Tendo looks down at their hands, at the symbolism of it all, and his face crumples as he finally breaks down. 

They hold him through it. They don’t let go. 

**Author's Note:**

> Because apparently it's not okay for Tendo to have too many good days without giving him awful ones like these too. That said, he is recovering from some horrible things. 
> 
> Title from "How To Save A Life".


End file.
